I have always struggled with “just being a mom”. I know, I know, I can hear what your saying already. But for me, I wanted to change the world and live in Africa. I wanted to climb Mt. Everest and lead people to Jesus on the way. I wanted to have an amazing career and be thought of as an incredible executive. But instead, I find myself standing in the midst of laundry, runny noses, stacks of middle school homework, and juggling life.
I have always tried to balance what I have wanted and what I have known my children need. They needed a mom who loves and cares for them. I needed to give back to something outside of the home.
Yet, here I am pregnant with our 3rd child. God has already been prompting my heart. It’s time to give up. Give it all up. All my wants. Being a mom of a middle schooler, a toddler and a baby has me scared and stopped in my tracks. How am I gonna do this?!
Today I watched my oldest son perform with his choir at the mall here where we live. I wrestled with my toddler who hates to sit still, managed nausea from being pregnant and watched my oldest sing. As I watched my son sing, I got teary eyed. For the first time in a while I felt content. I love being a mom to these two boys. Today I loved wrestling my three year old. I loved watching my son and I love carrying our third child in my belly. My husband surprised us all at the mall and was able to slip away from work for a few minutes. We were all together. I felt true contentment. There was nothing else I wanted. No where else I wanted to be.
I can’t explain the reasons I loved this moment. I believe God is allowing me to experience true contentment in “just being a mom”. I already know the conversations about shaping godly children and bringing them up for Christ. I am trying my best to do that. But I am talking about just being content in sitting on the floor and playing blocks. Having messy hair and no makeup because I was up with a sick child and feeling compassion for them. Finding joy in getting up early to take my oldest to the bus stop at 6:45 am.
God is teaching me to value these precious moments, to rest in them, and be content. To take a deep breath and breath life in slowly. Baking cookies in the kitchen and playing outside until dark. All of these things matter. They matter big. What matters even more is that my children grow up with a mom content to be their mom and nothing else.
I am learning. I am walking with an open heart scared of failing at this mom thing. But, I am leaning on Jesus to fill me with His love so I can pour it out to my children who need it most. I am counting on Jesus to keep showing me want true contentment looks and feels like.
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