Tears flowed at the table. 7:05am. My tired kindergartener struggling to eat breakfast because he is too tired. Me yelling at him enough is enough, it’s time to go to school. Him telling me in his heart that this is new and uncomfortable and he is unsure of this new thing. He is forced to go to this new place. We were out late last night as my husband and I served a church in Mclean, VA.
Guilt floods my heart, I wipe his tear from his cheek and tell him it’s going to be ok, that I will take care of him and promise cuddle time later in the day, after school.
2 hours later, I sit at the same table. Unexpected tears flow down my cheeks.
As I sit and seek God’s heart, He brings me to a new place and reveals hidden corners of my heart. Corners I didn’t know were there. Only God can know us so deeply.
I am reminded of grace. How much I need it. How much more I need to show it. God begins to challenge me. Give more. Serve more. This will quench the loneliness you feel in the land of church planting.
You see this past weekend I struggled with a great many things. One of those being anxiety. Church planting is taking its toll. God is directing my path. He is changing my course. Because he knows me inside and out and knows what I need. Need to feel fulfilled. I have so much to learn from him.
Surrounded by hurting people affects me. I hear their stories and it rocks me to my core. Women sit on my couch. Unexpected tears flow down their cheeks and they are hurting. How can I help? How can I give? I can only possibly serve them. Wash their feet. I can only give out of the overflow of grace I have been given. I have no answers or solution. Only that a God filled with grace knows them, loves them, and sees them. El Roi.
As tears stream down my tired face and weary soul, God wipes my cheeks and tell me it’s ok. I have been forced into this new place. Not like you think. It’s from a deep love and trust for God and a willingness to serve him from gratefulness. My heart cries out to God that this new place is uncomfortable and I am unsure of this new thing. He speaks so sweetly. So soft and gentle. From serving I will experience joy like never before. An intimacy with Him so deep. I long to serve, to experience His joy and know His grace deeper still.
I need less things. I need less. I need to give more. Give more time. Give more money. Spend less money. Think of myself less. Think of others more.
This anxious heart surrenders to the will of Him who called me. He is teaching me so sweetly. I go to “school” and hope to learn. Life is His school. I long to be flooded by His grace and flood others with this same grace.
Surrendered I sit at the table. Hot coffee in hand. Tears on cheeks and heart wide open…