When Life Gives You Lemons…and You Really Don’t Feel Like Making Lemonade

So recently my husband and I have been through some crazy trials. We have moved across the country answering God’s call to serve in a church inTennessee. Since the moment we said yes, it has been one thing after another on this journey. We have had physical injuries for me and my 2 year old that required ER visits. One minor surgery for my 2 year old, my oldest had a broken wrist, we have had financial difficulties, we have had a road of grieving that our entire family has been on leaving our home church in Colorado and our dear friends. We have had all sorts of crazy trials going on. The most recent being that my husband was in a car accident and totaled his car. So, let’s just say life is giving us lemons and to be perfectly honest, I am tired of making lemonade. I hate lemonade right now.

What I would really like is for all of this spiritual warfare to come to a screeching halt and give our family rest and peace. I have come to a point where I am thinking, ok, what is gonna happen today? Nothing surprises me anymore. I am writing this blog because I am fighting the urge to climb back in bed and give up all together. I would love to pull the covers over my head and forget the world exists. My faith is shaky right now. I know God to be faithful. I know He is with us. But can I just say my doubt is really shining through right now?

Yesterday in my devotional time I was reading the story of Moses being called to lead the Israelites out of bondage and slavery. I am relating to Moses in a huge way! I don’t feel like doing what God has asked me to do either and let me give you the list why. Yet, as I read this well known story, I was reminded very clearly that God is with me. He is with me in those lonely moments, in those moments where I crawl in bed and cry out to God, “I need you” because no other words come out and I beg for the Holy Spirit to intercede for me because I am too broken to speak. But, my heart speaks. It speaks to the creator of the universe and I know He hears my prayers and he aches with me. In Psalms it says that God is near to the broken hearted.

I am reminded of the story of Peter when he walked on water and began to sink when he took his eyes off Jesus and the waves were crashing around him. He cried out for Jesus to save him. Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. You see, Jesus was so close that he only needed to reach out his hand and yet Peter could not see Him. Sometimes in our own storms we are so consumed we cannot even see that the God of Heaven’s Armies is standing right on front of us. Well here I am in the waves and relying on my savior to catch me. I’ll share a passage the Lord gave to us as we embarked on this journey…

Isaiah 43:1-3

 ¹ But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
      O Israel, the one who formed you says,
   “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
      I have called you by name; you are mine.
 ² When you go through deep waters,
      I will be with you.
   When you go through rivers of difficulty,
      you will not drown.
   When you walk through the fire of oppression,
      you will not be burned up;
      the flames will not consume you.
 ³ For I am the Lord, your God,
      the Holy One ofIsrael, your Savior.

No Sugar-Day 1; Does God Do Weight Watchers?

I have decided to eat no sugar until Thanksgiving or until the Lord tells me its ok. This comes as a result of a long line of events in my life the past year. Just recently, I have started eating clean. (No processed sugars, flours, etc.) As I researched health and food I was introduced to this lifestyle. I have to say I really love it. It is not a diet. Whew. But even eating clean, I can still get sugar in through honey, agave, and pure maple syrup. Anyways, this will be a test of endurance. A race if you will…a marathon.

 Let me give you a little history about myself. I am a chronic dieter and addicted to sugar. Sugar is not food for me, it’s a drug. Last December, God tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to deal with this addiction in a real way, just like addicts do. So I began a journey, a really hard journey. I lost 40lbs on that journey. Recently my husband and I moved across the country. Through this move I have gained back 20lbs. Can you believe it? Do you ever just sit there amazed at yourself? That’s me. I’m disgusted and disappointed. This move was the most stressful thing I have ever been through. There were crazy events and trials and I struggled deeply. I have struggled with my darkest demons and the “eat food for comfort” reared its ugly head again. So I joined back into my old habits and ate food for comfort. I thought I had conquered this! I guess like any addict, you have regression.

 A few weeks ago, God tapped me on the shoulder again. I was currently doing Weight Watchers in hopes to lose these extra pounds plus a whole lot more. I never asked the Lord if I was to do this. I took control. I did what I knew to do. Then, during the church service on a Sunday morning, I heard very clearly from the Lord to stop dieting. What??!! Did He know I was overweight? Did He know I have so far to go? I even had a friend who was counting points with me and she is a Christian so wasn’t that my confirmation it was for me?! Then I heard the Lord ask me this question, “Do you trust me with your body?” I paused…a long time. I finally came to the conclusion I didn’t. I did not trust Him to make me skinny, or with anything else that had to do with my physical body. Here is the proof; through the years I have turned to the world over and over again with help to lose weight. I have tried so many diets. Not once, had I turned to God for the answers and direction. Does God do Weight Watchers? Not in my case. For some, that is certainly the journey He may lead you on and that is so wonderful! But for me, He has asked me to not count and not rely on food and the world for answers. There has to be freedom. ‘Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” 2 Cor. 3:17 I had no freedom so I can only conclude the Spirit of the Lord was not in it. You see, no matter what diet I was on, I was waking up everyday a failure. I would eat well and feel like a failure. I would eat bad and feel like a failure. I would weigh myself everday and everything hinged on that. This way of thinking was getting to me and bleeding into every aspect of my life. I was in bondage. Why was I looking to the world for its definition of beauty? I have had two wonderful babies and my body will never be the same. That IS beautiful. But it doesn’t mean I have to be unhealthy AND it doesn’t mean I diet until I look like a super model, or for me even the cover of Good Housekeeping would have been great!

So here I go. No diet. I am scared!!! Do you know I am trembling Lord? The Lord is teaching me all sorts of things about health and exercise. I have started exercising everyday and lifting weights. I have almost never lifted weights!! The other part of this journey is I am not allowed to weigh myself. The enemy gets in my head when I do that. I am hoping to weigh in once a month on my home scale, but I will ask the Lord and see His answer to me in that. I was very inspired by my dear friend who realized her happiness lived and died on the scale. If she lost a pound, it was a great day. If she lost nothing or gained a pound, it was a bad day and everyone suffered for it. So she got rid of her scale. Like out-of-the-house-got-rid-of. So brave! These are the verses I received from the Lord in my prayer time this morning. He is cheering me on and reminding me I need Him to walk this journey.

I can do all things THROUGH Christ who give me strength. Phillippians 4:13.

I am the vine, you are the branches…apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5

Neva, this can only be accomplished through me, with me, not apart from me.