So since I said yes to God to whatever he wants for me, so many things have happened (See blog post titled “Just Say Yes”). The following day I received a call from a dear friend who asked me to sing and lead worship at a prayer vigil for her friends baby boy who would be taken off life support very soon. I said of course and I would be honored. Can I tell you that night has forever changed me?
I asked God many times since that phone call what my purpose was in leading worship at this prayer vigil. I had friends tell me their take and nothing felt quite right. As I was driving to the Children’s Hospital the evening of the prayer vigil God revealed to me that He wanted me to suffer along with this family in there pain. That was my purpose. He needed to teach me things through this experience. I immediately started crying and freaking out. Their son is about the same age as my son. This will hurt badly! I called my dear friend and had her pray over me as I tried to drive with tears streaming down my face.
I arrived at the hospital and the mother of the Baby James immediately hugged me so tight and told me thank you. I had never met her before that evening. It is all I could do to not burst into tears. As we broke away from each other I saw another family from our church whose teenage son has cancer. I was overcome with how many people are living in the midst of hurt and suffering. Again, holding back tears.
I made my way out to a balcony at the hospital where the vigil would be held. A woman and her husband approached me and asked me if I was Neva Lamb. That was strange because I had never seen them before. She began to tell me of how she had my CD in her car and how her and her husband lost their little girl 3 years ago. They told me how I had ministered to them through leading worship at Northern Hills. I was so grateful and humbled God would send this couple to me to encourage me and let me know what the Holy Spirit was doing through me in worship by healing and ministering to people. So many times I had wondered if what I was doing every Sunday morning was really ministering to people.
After the prayer vigil was over I asked to meet Baby James. His life support would be turned off the next morning. I knew God wanted me to meet this precious little guy. As I walked to His room with two brothers from my church my heart was so heavy. I did not know what to expect. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. It didn’t help. Nothing could have prepared me for seeing this precious little boy about 1 year old hooked up to machines and just lifeless in his tiny hospital bed. I only stayed in the room about 5 minutes. It’s all I could handle as I imagined my own son lying in that bed dying. As I walked out of the room I will never forget walking down the hall with my two brothers in Christ and the three of us sobbing. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone in my tears.
As I drove home that evening I just cried. I had felt a morsel of this family’s suffering and the loss of their baby boy, James, and it had floored me. As I was praying and driving God asked me very clearly if I would serve Him in this way. Would I commit to helping people who were at their deepest place of suffering? Would I commit to walking beside them and ministering to them? He told me it would not be easy and it would hurt immensely. I said aloud, “Yes!” and sobbed all the way home.
When I got home I laid my head in my husbands lap and sobbed until I was almost asleep. That evening has defined me. It opened my eyes to hurt that people face. It opened my eyes to cling to Jesus and encourage others to do the same. It has allowed me to pull from a deep place as I lead worship. It has also led me to God’s word deeper and harder than before as I prepare to continue to minister to hurting families and people through worship. Thank you Baby James, for teaching me how to live.
