When Life Gives You Lemons…and You Really Don’t Feel Like Making Lemonade November 3, 2011

So recently my husband and I have been through some crazy trials. We have moved across the country answering God’s call to serve in a church inTennessee. Since the moment we said yes, it has been one thing after another on this journey. We have had physical injuries for me and my 2 year old that required ER visits. One minor surgery for my 2 year old, my oldest had a broken wrist, we have had financial difficulties, we have had a road of grieving that our entire family has been on leaving our home church in Colorado and our dear friends. We have had all sorts of crazy trials going on. The most recent being that my husband was in a car accident and totaled his car. So, let’s just say life is giving us lemons and to be perfectly honest, I am tired of making lemonade. I hate lemonade right now.

What I would really like is for all of this spiritual warfare to come to a screeching halt and give our family rest and peace. I have come to a point where I am thinking, ok, what is gonna happen today? Nothing surprises me anymore. I am writing this blog because I am fighting the urge to climb back in bed and give up all together. I would love to pull the covers over my head and forget the world exists. My faith is shaky right now. I know God to be faithful. I know He is with us. But can I just say my doubt is really shining through right now?

Yesterday in my devotional time I was reading the story of Moses being called to lead the Israelites out of bondage and slavery. I am relating to Moses in a huge way! I don’t feel like doing what God has asked me to do either and let me give you the list why. Yet, as I read this well known story, I was reminded very clearly that God is with me. He is with me in those lonely moments, in those moments where I crawl in bed and cry out to God, “I need you” because no other words come out and I beg for the Holy Spirit to intercede for me because I am too broken to speak. But, my heart speaks. It speaks to the creator of the universe and I know He hears my prayers and he aches with me. In Psalms it says that God is near to the broken hearted.

I am reminded of the story of Peter when he walked on water and began to sink when he took his eyes off Jesus and the waves were crashing around him. He cried out for Jesus to save him. Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. You see, Jesus was so close that he only needed to reach out his hand and yet Peter could not see Him. Sometimes in our own storms we are so consumed we cannot even see that the God of Heaven’s Armies is standing right on front of us. Well here I am in the waves and relying on my savior to catch me. I’ll share a passage the Lord gave to us as we embarked on this journey…

Isaiah 43:1-3

 ¹ But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
      O Israel, the one who formed you says,
   “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
      I have called you by name; you are mine.
 ² When you go through deep waters,
      I will be with you.
   When you go through rivers of difficulty,
      you will not drown.
   When you walk through the fire of oppression,
      you will not be burned up;
      the flames will not consume you.
 ³ For I am the Lord, your God,
      the Holy One ofIsrael, your Savior.

No Sugar-Day 1; Does God Do Weight Watchers? November 1, 2011

I have decided to eat no sugar until Thanksgiving or until the Lord tells me its ok. This comes as a result of a long line of events in my life the past year. Just recently, I have started eating clean. (No processed sugars, flours, etc.) As I researched health and food I was introduced to this lifestyle. I have to say I really love it. It is not a diet. Whew. But even eating clean, I can still get sugar in through honey, agave, and pure maple syrup. Anyways, this will be a test of endurance. A race if you will…a marathon.

 Let me give you a little history about myself. I am a chronic dieter and addicted to sugar. Sugar is not food for me, it’s a drug. Last December, God tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to deal with this addiction in a real way, just like addicts do. So I began a journey, a really hard journey. I lost 40lbs on that journey. Recently my husband and I moved across the country. Through this move I have gained back 20lbs. Can you believe it? Do you ever just sit there amazed at yourself? That’s me. I’m disgusted and disappointed. This move was the most stressful thing I have ever been through. There were crazy events and trials and I struggled deeply. I have struggled with my darkest demons and the “eat food for comfort” reared its ugly head again. So I joined back into my old habits and ate food for comfort. I thought I had conquered this! I guess like any addict, you have regression.

 A few weeks ago, God tapped me on the shoulder again. I was currently doing Weight Watchers in hopes to lose these extra pounds plus a whole lot more. I never asked the Lord if I was to do this. I took control. I did what I knew to do. Then, during the church service on a Sunday morning, I heard very clearly from the Lord to stop dieting. What??!! Did He know I was overweight? Did He know I have so far to go? I even had a friend who was counting points with me and she is a Christian so wasn’t that my confirmation it was for me?! Then I heard the Lord ask me this question, “Do you trust me with your body?” I paused…a long time. I finally came to the conclusion I didn’t. I did not trust Him to make me skinny, or with anything else that had to do with my physical body. Here is the proof; through the years I have turned to the world over and over again with help to lose weight. I have tried so many diets. Not once, had I turned to God for the answers and direction. Does God do Weight Watchers? Not in my case. For some, that is certainly the journey He may lead you on and that is so wonderful! But for me, He has asked me to not count and not rely on food and the world for answers. There has to be freedom. ‘Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” 2 Cor. 3:17 I had no freedom so I can only conclude the Spirit of the Lord was not in it. You see, no matter what diet I was on, I was waking up everyday a failure. I would eat well and feel like a failure. I would eat bad and feel like a failure. I would weigh myself everday and everything hinged on that. This way of thinking was getting to me and bleeding into every aspect of my life. I was in bondage. Why was I looking to the world for its definition of beauty? I have had two wonderful babies and my body will never be the same. That IS beautiful. But it doesn’t mean I have to be unhealthy AND it doesn’t mean I diet until I look like a super model, or for me even the cover of Good Housekeeping would have been great!

So here I go. No diet. I am scared!!! Do you know I am trembling Lord? The Lord is teaching me all sorts of things about health and exercise. I have started exercising everyday and lifting weights. I have almost never lifted weights!! The other part of this journey is I am not allowed to weigh myself. The enemy gets in my head when I do that. I am hoping to weigh in once a month on my home scale, but I will ask the Lord and see His answer to me in that. I was very inspired by my dear friend who realized her happiness lived and died on the scale. If she lost a pound, it was a great day. If she lost nothing or gained a pound, it was a bad day and everyone suffered for it. So she got rid of her scale. Like out-of-the-house-got-rid-of. So brave! These are the verses I received from the Lord in my prayer time this morning. He is cheering me on and reminding me I need Him to walk this journey.

I can do all things THROUGH Christ who give me strength. Phillippians 4:13.

I am the vine, you are the branches…apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5

Neva, this can only be accomplished through me, with me, not apart from me.

The Christmas Tree in November November 9, 2010

So I came home Saturday morning after being up at the church for a few hours to find our Christmas tree set up in our living room. What??!!  Needless to say I was shocked. It was only November 6^th people! I was actually a little ticked off at my husband for setting it up. It wasn’t the right time and it took up a lot of space. It was embarrassing to have it up this early. We have people at our ALL the time and they would see this thing up a month early!

Recently I have started a journey of pruning. What I mean by that is I am going through an intense biblestudy with a few other of my gal friends and God is literally turning me inside out to deal with some past issues in my life. This journey is really hard. It is emotionally draining, and the worst part is it can feel very lonely at times. It has been a really rough week and God has been doing a huge work in me.

 Back to the Christmas tree. I had convinced my husband to move the Christmas tree to our other living room and we put it in the corner. Well, my hubby and I had a fight recently and I was feeling mad and hurt. In my self pity I was feeling alone and not supported. I know that never happens to you right? I was walking down my stairs this morning and I saw the huge Christmas tree in our living room. All this sudden the Holy Spirit spoke to me in a huge way. He told me that the tree is there so I am reminded how much my husband and boys love me and that when I am on this journey and I feel alone to look at the Christmas tree in November in our living room and know that they love me and are a support to me. Hello! I started weeping. How amazing is it that the Lord had my boys put up our tree so early this year so I could be reminded that they love me and support me? I love our Christmas tree in our living room in November.

A Call to Suffer November 4, 2010

So since I said yes to God to whatever he wants for me, so many things have happened (See blog post titled “Just Say Yes”). The following day I received a call from a dear friend who asked me to sing and lead worship at a prayer vigil for her friends baby boy who would be taken off life support very soon. I said of course and I would be honored. Can I tell you that night has forever changed me?

 I asked God many times since that phone call what my purpose was in leading worship at this prayer vigil. I had friends tell me their take and nothing felt quite right. As I was driving to the Children’s Hospital the evening  of the prayer vigil God revealed to me that He wanted me to suffer along with this family in there pain. That was my purpose. He needed to teach me things through this experience. I immediately started crying and freaking out. Their son is about the same age as my son. This will hurt badly! I called my dear friend and had her pray over me as I tried to drive with tears streaming down my face.

 I arrived at the hospital and the mother of the Baby James immediately hugged me so tight and told me thank you. I had never met her before that evening. It is all I could do to not burst into tears. As we broke away from each other I saw another family from our church whose teenage son has cancer. I was overcome with how many people are living in the midst of hurt and suffering. Again, holding back tears.

 I made my way out to a balcony at the hospital where the vigil would be held. A woman and her husband approached me and asked me if I was Neva Lamb. That was strange because I had never seen them before. She began to tell me of how she had my CD in her car and how her and her husband lost their little girl 3 years ago. They told me how I had ministered to them through leading worship at Northern Hills. I was so grateful and humbled God would send this couple to me to encourage me and let me know what the Holy Spirit was doing through me in worship by healing and ministering to people. So many times I had wondered if what I was doing every Sunday morning was really ministering to people.

 After the prayer vigil was over I asked to meet Baby James. His life support would be turned off the next morning. I knew God wanted me to meet this precious little guy. As I walked to His room with two brothers from my church my heart was so heavy. I did not know what to expect. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. It didn’t help. Nothing could have prepared me for seeing this precious little boy about 1 year old hooked up to machines and just lifeless in his tiny hospital bed. I only stayed in the room about 5 minutes. It’s all I could handle as I imagined my own son lying in that bed dying. As I walked out of the room I will never forget walking down the hall with my two brothers in Christ and the three of us sobbing. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone in my tears.  

 As I drove home that evening I just cried. I had felt a morsel of this family’s suffering and the loss of their baby boy, James, and it had floored me. As I was praying and driving God asked me very clearly if I would serve Him in this way. Would I commit to helping people who were at their deepest place of suffering? Would I commit to walking beside them and ministering to them? He told me it would not be easy and it would hurt immensely. I said aloud, “Yes!” and sobbed all the way home.

 When I got home I laid my head in my husbands lap and sobbed until I was almost asleep. That evening has defined me. It opened my eyes to hurt that people face. It opened my eyes to cling to Jesus and encourage others to do the same. It has allowed me to pull from a deep place as I lead worship. It has also led me to God’s word deeper and harder than before as I prepare to continue to minister to hurting families and people through worship. Thank you Baby James, for teaching me how to live.

Coffee October 14, 2010

Coffee. Oh, how I love coffee. I have a new relationship with coffee. I never really drank coffee until about 3 months ago. I took a sip of my hubby’s coffee and I was hooked. Of all the things I eat or drink, I would give them all up for coffee. It’s not even the caffeine. I mean, that does have its benefits, don’t get me wrong. When the kids are screaming and the world is crazy, a sip of coffee makes them all disappear.

 My friend recently told me that she goes to bed every night thinking, “Oh! I get to drink coffee in the morning!” Yeah! I am into that. I now understand the delicate relationship between the coffee and the coffee drinker. The coffee doesn’t let you down. It is consistently there for us. Its gentle smell and sweet aroma fill the air and beckon me to come and take a sip….just a sip. As I make my way over to the coffee pot, having been lured there by its calling to me, I grab my favorite mug and fill it with the hot beverage. I add the flavorful creamer of my choice and bring the dark color to a light tan. Ohhhh…it’s so beautiful. I stare just a moment and appreciate its artistic beauty. I then take a sip. I am changed! I once was lost and sleepy, but now I am found and alive! My kids look sweeter, the birds are chirping, I think my hair actually looks good. I say a prayer to the Lord, “Thank you Lord for coffee. Thank you.” The funny thing is, I really do say that and I really do mean it! Ha! God must chuckle when I do that.

 So I leave you now with an inspiration in my life, coffee. Get to know it, love it. Let it grow on you and speak to you. Caution, it will suck you in and you will get addicted. However, I can stop drinking it anytime I want. I can. I just don’t want to.

Just Say Yes September 9, 2010

I found myself slicing peaches in my kitchen after a morning of coffee, muffins and prayer with some girlfriends. I was reflecting on the time we spent together and what exactly God was doing through us during this time. I began to think about my own life. All of my huge failures and some successes. I began to let my mind wander where it always does…how come things never turned out how I thought they would? How come my plans didn’t work? I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit saying, “because only part of you is surrendered.” What? I am all surrendered! I have given my life for Christ. I have moved my family across the country away from family and friends to serve Him. I have given up everything time and time again. What do you mean I am not completely surrendered? I began to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what this meant. I quickly realized my surrendered heart had always been for Him but mostly through worship and worship leading. There were pockets of my life I was holding onto. Things without even being aware of I was holding tightly to.

So in that moment I immediately said, “Yes”. Lord what it is you want me to do? I say yes. I surrender all of me. I began to imagine that God may desire to use me outside of worship. I had honestly never thought of that before. I know it doesn’t sound like a huge revelation but I had only thought of my life with “plans” for me as a worship leader. Maybe God desires me to be friend, or a better mother and wife. Maybe he has plans for me in women’s ministry or something I have never thought of. I remembered the verse in Jeremiah 18: 1-4 that had been haunting my heart for a week.

“The Lord gave me another message to Jeremiah. He said, Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there. So I did as he told me and found the potter working at His wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over.”

How could I be so blind?! I am the lump of clay. God was bringing this passage to my mind over and over again and I never once understood why. I thought it was for “someone else”. As I write this I am overwhelmed and tears are welling up. I am so honored that He would choose to mar this lump of clay and make me a vessel that He desires to use. I admit, I am scared. There are definite things I can think of that if he asked me to do I would be terrified! However, that ordinary day in my kitchen slicing peaches has become a holy moment for me. A moment where I said, “Yes”. Yes, to whatever it is He asks.

Top 10 Reasons You Know Your a Mom December 4, 2009

I came up with this today as I was baking in the kitchen…

10. You smell and you don’t know why, where it is coming from, or what it is.

9. You have come up with your own “style” that somehow incorporates your college clothes (which are now 3 sizes too small) and your maternity clothes.

8. You often tell your husband you are “sick” in the bathroom so you can finish reading your favorite magazine without any interruptions.

7. You somehow got into the disgusting habit of eating food off of your kids plates after they are done eating.

6. If you have to clip another coupon you might kill yourself.

5. Your middle name is laundry.

4. You have come to accept the stains on your carpet because they now have “character”.

3. You sometimes have so many kids pile in your van that you don’t even know who they are, you just hope yours is in there somewhere.

2. You look forward to you yearly OB/GYN appointment so you can just have some peace and quite.

1. You are wearing underwear SWORE you would never wear.

Swimming Upstream November 10, 2009

So I am walking down a new road in life. Its a road that I honestly never saw myself on. I have always just blown people with this point of view off and had no real conviction about their convictions. In fact, I have often thought them to be a little weird and even eccentric. But here I am.

Here I am on this path. The path of living naturally. There I said it. I always thought living naturally meant eating more fruits and veggies. Boy was I wrong. This whole journey started with my hip. What? Yup. My hip. After the birth of my now 4 month old, my right hip was not healing. I am not sure what was wrong with it but I was unable to move well with it and it hurt a ton. Maybe it was that 9lb. 9oz baby I delivered that knocked it out of place! Like any American I called my OB/GYN and told them about it. They said to call my general doctor. I knew this was going to be a long process of my hip not getting better, I knew I had to do something on my own. So I did. I found a chiropractor.

So begins the beginning of the beginning. The chiropractor took x-rays of me and I quickly learned how bad my body was messed up. Of a 45% curve we are supposed to have in our neck, mine is at a 13%. I then learned why my body wasn’t healing after delivering my son. So, I began adjustments and my hip started healing.

I noticed a sign in the chiropractor office discouraging people from getting the flu shot. I thought that was interesting because that is what healthy people do, they get flu shots. I asked my chiropractor about the sign and what I found was something that has changed me forever. I have researched HOURS and HOURS about vaccines. I have watched videos. I have interviewed friends and sought opinions. I have read books. I have never felt so deceived in my life. I feel like I have had blinders on and have been accepting everything the doctors and government has been telling me because they have my best interest in mind, right? WRONG.

I actually wanted to be in the camp of  “people who get vaccines”. It is easier. But the more I read and uncovered the more I was convinced otherwise. I actually cried out loud when I discovered that our children are being poisoned, that I didn’t know about it, and no one would probably understand me and my decisions. I was overwhelmed. I thought that maybe all of this information I was reading was wrong. It was so outrageous it must be!

So I talked to friends. One after another I heard story after story of how people had been harmed by vaccines. I was flabbergasted! People 1 degree and 2 degrees separated from me actually fighting for their lives because of vaccine damage. I have been living under a rock! So now, I face my son’s 4 month check up this Friday. I am nervous. I am going to opt out of vaccines. I don’t know what my doctor will say or do. In the end though, I feel so confident knowing I am keeping my son safe from poison.

So on the verge of discovering the whole vaccine issue I started discovering toxins in our food. Again, I was shocked. Did you know the average person consumes 140-150lbs. of additives per year?! I was so disgusted when I found this out. We are now switching to organic as much as we can. This will be a gradual change over since it is pretty expensive. I actually know nothing about eating healthy and organic. This is totally new for me. I never saw the value in it nor did I understand it. Now I understand it all too well. Why isn’t our water cleaner? Why is our meat full of hormones and antibiotics? Why are our veggies and fruits full of pesticides? Why is rocket fuel in baby formula?!!!

 So I will keep you updated on this journey and let you know how it goes. I am actually so passionate about no vaccines for anyone that I am wondering what more I can do to speak out against it. I want to help save as many children as I can from this horrible conspiracy for the all mighty dollar.

Sleeping Through Night: Part 2 October 11, 2009

Ok, so I last left you at Brayden crying for 1 hr. 30 minutes. He ended up crying for 2 hours until his next feeding. He ate and I placed him in his crib and he cried for 30 minutes more. After me crying hearing him crying for so long I placed him in his swing (still no pacifier). He slept for 2 hours solid. He ate at 5:00pm and cried in my arms from 5:30 until 8:00pm. He was so tired but just could not go to sleep. After his 8:00pm bottle we placed him in his crib for bedtime. He cried 30 minutes and fell asleep. We fed him again at 11:00 and he went right to sleep afterward. He woke up at 1:30am and cried for 15 minutes. He woke up at 3:00am and cried until 5:00am (it was not a whale, just a mild protest). I snuck in and checked on him every so often. He fell asleep at 5:00am and woke up at 5:30am. At that point he had met the 6 hour stretch I was comfortable with and I fed him. He fell right asleep again after his bottle and woke up at 8:30am to eat.

He did it! I was so proud. I wanted to make him a plaque, set up a trust fund in his name, hire a pilot and put “you did it” on paper pulled by the plane. Can I tell you how nice it is not to have to give him a pacifier every 2 minutes, or put him in bed with me to get him to sleep? It is great! This morning he fell asleep in his car seat as we were out and about with no cry at all. Whoohoo! For his nap this afternoon, he cooed for about 45 minutes and then fell asleep. whoohoo!

We’ll see how tonight goes but so far, I see sleep in our future.

Sleeping Through the Night: Part 1 October 10, 2009

Sigh…it has come time for my 3 month old to sleep through the night..sigh. He has gradually gotten worse and is now eating every 3 to four hours all day and night. I call it “snacking”. He eats in clusters at 6:00pm, 8:00pm and then again somewhere around 11pm-1am. He wakes up from that 3 hours later about 3:30 and then again at 5:30am to eat. He then wakes up again around 8:00am to eat again. (Mind you he is eating like 2 oz at those early morning feedings.)During the day he goes about 4 hours in between feedings. I feel so sleep deprived!

I have sought the advice of friends and read a ton of stuff. I think what is going to work best for us is the BabyWise method. I have actually had friends tell me they have never seen a baby fight sleep so hard. Great, I am so lucky!

Brayden is a wonderful baby, we just need sleep. So as it stands now, I just put him down for his afternoon nap and he has been crying for 1 hr and 30 minutes. This is hard! Needless to say, I am crying too! I peak in his room and every 30 minutes pat his back and tell him it is OK.

I am also implementing the 3 hour eating regiment. I think this will help him a ton. Oh yeah, I should tell you, Brayden weighed 13lbs. 2oz. at his 2 month appointment. He is growing great and a healthy, chubby little guy.

I’ll keep you all updated on our progress. I have a feeling this will not take the average 3 to 5 days. We are gonna be in for the long hall.

This totally stinks and I hate to hear my baby crying, however, I hate not sleeping more. sigh.